Girl, listen
How often have you asked a close friend “ How are you?” and really listened to the answer?
Naturally, “How are you” is more of an ice breaker and less of an emotional check-in. Fear of getting too deep may be the reason that many of us use the blanket statement “I’m okay”. It’s natural to not want to worry our loved ones with our true realities, realizing some people are not able to carry the weight of the real answer to their question. Being honest about how we’re feeling is hard and leaves us vulnerable to critique and unwanted advice. To tell the truth, unwanted advice is enough to make me never share my feelings again. Most times we aren’t looking for answers to our problems, we just need to feel heard but we (as listeners) are conditioned to believe we can save everyone so we speak out of turn in hopes of fixing the problems of others. I once read a quote that explained, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen R. Covey. That struck me like a ton of bricks as I recounted all the time’s friends have taken me aside for a heart to heart and all I could think about were solutions I could come up with. I wasn’t truly listening or even realizing that some of them didn’t want my advice, they just wanted someone to hear them out. These days I’m not offering advice unless asked - let’s be real most of our friends and ourselves included, don’t take the advice given even when asked anyway. While working on becoming an expert listener I’ve learned a few things, I’ll share them with you below.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen R. Covey. ”
Be Compassionate
Listen up because it could happen to you! Never think you're too smart, mentally sound or good to go through any situation. Listening from a place of compassion is key, it allows you to sympathize and better relate to what the speaker is going through.
2. Never Assume
Remember, theres two sides to every story. If someone is coming to you about an emotional situation don’t assume you know the whole story. No matter what you’ve been told by another person. Be open to hearing their truth without interjecting your assumptions.
3. Silence Is Okay
I’ve noticed we are quick to speak just to fill up dead air and in that rush to avoid awkward silence we speak from a place that’s not genuine. It’s okay to be quiet and collect your thoughts. Some conversations require deep introspection, so if you have to think on it before responding - do so!
4. Are You An Expert?
I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten advice from people instructing me to do something they have never done. With detailed A-Z instructions to the solution of a problem they have yet to solve. Giving advice on situations you’ve never experience can be tricky. We all know its easier said than done - so unless you’ve done it, its easier if you’d just spare us from the “ if it were me” sililoquy. Amen?
As hard as it is to want to help sometimes its better to wait until you are asked for it. Listening is fundamental - Try it sometime.